Is my parent a narcissist?
What's the difference between a difficult person and someone with a personality disorder?
Hi, it's me, Anna!
I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in helping you deal with emotionally-immature or narcissistic parents.
While this is not a diagnostic tool, we have framed this information to be viewed as a spectrum of symptoms or traits that range from mild-to-severe.
Have you ever been venting to a friend about your parents, only to hear something like, “sure, but all parents are difficult sometimes.”
Yes. Sometimes.
There is a distinct difference between having a handful of conflicting situations (basic human nature and family dynamics), and experiencing a lifetime of countless fights that seemingly blew up out of nowhere.
Unfortunately, such broad sweeping generalizations like “oh everyone fights with their parents” can leave you feeling isolated. You are not alone in your experience of being an adult child of a high-conflict/narcissistic individual.
You may think to yourself, “but are all parents this difficult?”
Let’s start by discussing what we mean when we say “high conflict” and “narcissistic.”
Because understanding the root of bad behavior is where your healing journey begins.
Rapid Escalation (v. the ability to deescalate).
Let’s talk about how a narcissistic person behaves.
The tides of an emotionally-immature person’s mood turn fast.
One moment, I am enjoying a pleasant holiday shopping trip with my mom, the next she is saying things to me like “I don’t love you,” and “I’m leaving now.”
That’s a rapid escalation.
My mother is a high conflict person.
Whereas, someone who isn’t exhibiting narcissistic traits would be capable of deescalating the conflict when another person is feeling upset.
People don’t generally seek out conflict. When it does arise, most are capable of navigating with empathy.
They consider your feelings, perhaps offering an open ear: “I see that you are tense, is it because of something I said?”
Blame Projection Dynamics
A high-conflict narcissist may try to twist the blame your way. This is known as projection.
They act controlling and then call you “controlling.”
Sound familiar?
An emotionally-immature person will project their bad behavior onto you.
Compare that now to a non-narcissistic person who actively seeks to understand how their behavior affects you.
Watch the video podcast on this topic.
Here to cheer your on your healing journey,
Anna
Anna Hollaender-Bird, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
