Narcissistic Parents: One Thing You Haven't Heard
A few reasons why your narcissistic parent is actually intimidated by you.
I’m Anna Hollaender-Bird, I’m a therapist, coach, and expert in helping you cope with, heal from, and deal with your difficult parents.
The idea that our parents could be intimidated by us is not something we usually think about because oftentimes, they intimidate us and can be scary to deal with. But a lot of times, the truth is actually the other way around.
They may not like the boundaries we set - but it’s likely because they are deeply threatened by boundaries.
You may not realize this because narcissists are so noisy about their grandiosity and over-confidence. That loudness is a mask; a mere defense mechanism for their fragile, childlike core.
In this newsletter, we are going to explore why narcissistic parents react the way they do when you start setting healthy boundaries; and how that reaction has more to do with their own insecurities, rather than your actions.
Narcissistic parents often come across as overly confident or even arrogant, but behind that mask of self-importance is a much more fragile person - a childlike ego that is easily wounded.
The narcissistic personality is often a result of deep-seated insecurity. They never developed emotional tools to validate themselves internally, so they seek validation from external sources, like:
Admiration
Control
Attention
At their core, narcissistic parents are emotionally-immature. Their egos are easily bruised and they may be highly-sensitive to rejection or perceived criticism - even when that wasn’t your intention.
One example that comes to mind is my recent birthday party where I invited a family member because I thought they would say yes - even though they are narcissistic and we have not seen each other in several years. But they said no!
There may have been valid reasons, but the more I thought about it, the more I considered confronting them to say “hey, why aren’t you coming to my birthday party?!” I get the impression they would say that I rejected them years ago and we haven’t had a relationship since then. The truth is we do talk often, but we don’t spend time together because I have developed strong boundaries over the years and that was threatening to them. If they go to spend time with me, they can’t do the dance they prefer and so the party is a non-starter for them.
It helped me to remember this and subsequently feel less rejected. It wasn’t like I didn’t matter - it’s more that my boundaries are so firm that it would be hard to navigate being around these people for multiple days.
It’s not unusual for a narcissist to be initially caught off guard when you start to set boundaries. They don’t know how to respond. For a narcissist, boundaries are perceived as rejection. In their minds, if you are establishing a limit or saying no, they feel you are rejecting them as a person - not just their behavior or the situation.
In reality, setting a boundary is actually a healthy thing! You can set boundaries compassionately for both you and them. For you, it’s about protecting your emotional well-being. For them, it provides a safe space where you are not giving them a reason to get into their manipulative behaviors.
But the narcissistic parent isn’t equipped to understand the nuance of this. They can’t easily see that the boundary you have been setting is not about rejecting them as a person - it’s about creating a healthier dynamic with them.
Narcissistic parents often cannot process the deeper meaning behind boundaries. They don’t see the subtext, in other words. They are wired to see things in extremes: you are either completely with them or completely against them. This is the black-and-white thinking that makes it nearly impossible for them to understand that a boundary is meant to improve the relationship, not harm it.
This is also why after you set a boundary they don’t know what to do at first. They may react with silence, withdrawal, or even a dramatic outburst. I have certainly experienced a fair share of these with my narcissistic parents. It is not pretty.
Keep in mind they might not be ignoring you on purpose, rather they could feel emotionally unmoored and need time to process. They feel rejected and can’t handle the emotional weight of trying to communicate. In some cases, you might find that you don’t hear from them for a while.
Narcissistic parents and family members cannot read subtext at all. They can’t read anything other than “you love me” or “you hate me.”
So what can you do when you face this shocking reaction?
When I’ve seen this firsthand, it’s taken me a while to re-ground myself and not immediately take it personally. Sometimes the reactions can be extreme and can leave you feeling like you’ve been punched right in the emotions.
Remember: this is not the time to rescind the boundary you just put in place.
Your boundaries are here to protect you. Give them some space. You are not responsible for how they react. It’s important to not take their reaction personally. Even though it feels hurtful.
Their inability to process your boundaries is not a reflection of your worth and value. It is a reflection of their emotional limitations.
Above all, continue to validate your own feelings.
It can be incredibly difficult to deal with a narcissistic parents’ reaction, but know that setting boundaries is ultimately a sign of strength. It’s even modeling good behavior to them.
For example, I have modeled some boundaries with my own parents and now they use the word “boundaries” when I ask for something. It was both funny and inspiring to me to see that they are listening to some part of what I am saying. Something is seeping in.
It can feel hopeless at times, but if we think of the narcissistic parent as being childlike and you, the Adult Child might be modeling adult behavior that they’ve never really seen before.
If you are dealing with a narcissistic parent. I know it can feel like an uphill battle. But remember, the boundary you’ve set is actually a form of care for both them and you. It might be uncomfortable for a while, but with time you will both have a chance to re-negotiate your relationship in a way that works better for you - It’s a way you can show up as your best self.
My go-to is to tell people that if I get to a place where I am snapping at this elderly person, I look like a crazy person. I don’t want to get to that place.
I do that by:
making sure I understand and have processed the limits of how much time I can spend with them;
and what context I can feel safe to spend with them.
If I am triggered by other things, I don’t call them or have an interaction (if it can be helped) that day.
I need to feel emotionally-tethered in order to spend time with them and deal with their inevitable narcissistic behaviors.
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