Secret Signs of a Narcissistic Parent
The difference between difficult and personality-disordered
How can you tell the difference between a difficult parent and a parent with narcissistic personality disorder?
While this is not a diagnostic tool, we have framed this information to be viewed as a spectrum of symptoms or traits that range from mild-to-severe.
My mother was visiting for the holidays and we were out observing our traditional shopping trip to the mall. There wasn’t much else to do where I grew up. That day she bought me a jacket, and I thought, “oh, that’s nice of her.”
15 minutes later, I was driving us home when suddenly the tides of her mood shifted. Apparently I had said something that displeased her.
“You must not love me,” she said.
She then threatened to call the family trip short and return home.
“I can leave right now,” she said.
As you can imagine, I had a lot of big feelings in that moment.
Shock.
Frustration.
Sadness.
Panic!
Anger.
It reminded me of my wedding day.
She vanished at some point before the ceremony. My bridesmaids had to search for her for half an hour!
“Mom, where were you?!” I said when we finally ran into her later that day, “I wanted us to have a special moment together.”
Her face was withdrawn.
“You didn’t want me there,” she said.
“What do you mean?!” I said, visibly frustrated.
Then she got defensive, her go-to on ramp to escalating conflict.
I didn’t want to push her any further.
Does this behavior sound familiar to you?
Perhaps my confusion is relatable.
You can understand my frustration.
Have you ever felt a similar beat-down from your parents’ behavior?
Have you ever been in a moment of conflict with your parents where you think,
“how did I get here? I don’t argue with other people like this.”
Let’s say your parent is in a mood to give you compliments.
And the next day they call you names.
They may have an unrealistic expectation of what your relationship should look like.
Do they treat you like a surrogate spouse?
Do they assassinate your character?
Call you irresponsible and then act like it never happened?
Let’s look at Key Behavioral Symptoms:
Are your parents High Conflict Narcissist or just plain difficult?
Displays little-to-no remorse. Can you remember the last time they apologized for hurting your feelings?
Lack of empathy.
Easily angered. They talk about feeling betrayed frequently or get highly defensive.
Escalating moods.
Do you notice a repeating pattern of the aforementioned behaviors in your parents? Are you remembering 2-3 instances of this erratic behavior? You may recall a lifetime of countless examples.
A person with mild narcissistic traits may lack empathy at times.
For example, your sibling struggles with addiction, but your parents can’t seem to understand that addiction is a disease.
A more severe case could look like:
The parent berating their adult children.
Pitting siblings against each other.
Engaging in character assassination.
Making threats both passively and actively.
While there is no one-size-fits all model, I hope these examples give you a better idea of what may be going on with your difficult parent.
Watch the video podcast on this topic.
